PLACE:  A MOTEL IN EAST CUPCAKE, INDIANA

ENTER: A couple

“We’re looking for a room.”

“Fine, just show me your certificate.”

"What certificate?”

“Your Marriage one, of course.”

“We’re not married.”

“Sorry then. My religious belief is that you are about to commit a mortal sin, so move on. The religious free exercise law says I don’t have to rent you a room.”

ENTER: Gentleman in his 40’s.

“I’m dog tired. Got my room ready?”

“Just a second. I don’t see  that you are wearing a marriage ring. Have you been divorced?”

"Yes, bu…”

“Leave. Divorce is banned by my religion. I’m exercising my religious rights.”

ENTER: A woman in her 30’s who starts filling out the register.

“Hold on. Do you practice birth control other than by the rhythm method?”

“I don’t see that it is any of your business, but I take contraceptives.”

“Get outta here. Artificial birth control is contrary to my religion.”

ENTER: two men

“Stop. Are you gay?”

“No.”

“Then you have to rent 2 rooms just in case you’re lying to me.”

“We’re trying to save money on this trip, so one room please.”

“You look gay. Get outta here.”

ENTER a woman in her 30’s

“I need a single room please.”

“Have you had an abortion?”

“I don’t have to answer that.”

“You must have then. My religion forbids abortions. Go someplace else.”

ENTER Gentlemen in his 50’s

“Are you married or ever divorced?"

“No, I’m now happily married although I cheated on my wife once. Sorry about it now.”

“Get out of here, you adulterer.”

ENTER; man in his late 40’s

"I need a room.”

“I have plenty, but, tell me are you married?”

“Haven’t found the right girl yet. Still a bachelor.”

“Ok. Take Room 305 and thank you. I was having a tough night until you came. Finally, somebody with character.”

Man enters room 305. He unpacks his bag and starts assembling his rifle. He has to rub out Mario "The Bagman"  Tortelli tomorrow. It’s time for a good sleep, he thinks as he snaps off the light.

Arlene Violet is an attorney and former RI attorney general.