January 14: Baseball season doesn’t start for months, but someone practiced their swing on a Child Street mailbox.

Feb. 14: On Valentine’s Day, police got a call from a suspicious store owner on Metacom who reported that a woman in the store was inquiring about the chemical ingredients in carpet cleaner.

Feb. 18: Air conditioners — air conditioners! — were reported stolen from Market Street during the coldest stretch of the winter. Heaters would seem to be more at risk.

Feb. 21: Police noted that a pedestrian crossing sign on Main Street was not in place, then added that the sign was there — frozen into a snow bank.

March 2: Police were called to Market Street for a “dispute dispute.” No word on a resolution resolution.

March 8: A Main Street man complained that a neighbor stole his can opener.

March 29: There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but still no word on how many a coyote requires. A man who tried last week received a warning from DEM. After receiving a complaint police came out and asked the man what he was doing; he said he’d accidentally the the coyote while driving several weeks ago, but saved the carcass. He said his aim was to harvest the pelt and sell it for a profit. Due to state law that forbids the rendering or reduction of wild animals, said Warren Deputy Chief Joseph Loiselle: “We told him you can’t do that in this town.”

April 14: A Child Street resident called to report that there might be birds in the house. The animal control officer checked it out, but they’d apparently flown the coop.

April 14: Police got a call that kids were out in a cow pasture on Serpentine Road. No word if cows were playing in the nearby playground at the corner of Kickemuit.

April 23: A girl who’d had her wisdom teeth out hours earlier wanted to go to her friend’s house. Her father said no, so she called police.

April 26: “Loose” chickens were spotted congregating on a sidewalk near Arlington Avenue. No word on whether they were smoking cigarettes and flagging down cars.

July 8: With apologies to Tim the Enchanter: Someone reported a rabbit loose on Detroit Avenue, but the animal control officer reported it gone on arrival. No word on whether it had a mean streak a mile wide.

July 19: Give this man a Husband of the Year award. Police stopped and talked to a man reported sleeping in his car on Market Street at 2:26 a.m. Turns out he was accidentally locked out of his home, and didn’t want to wake his family up trying to get back in.

July 31: A Highview Avenue woman complained that someone threw bread onto her property without permission, and noted that squirrels were eating it. She requested an officer to come and witness the feeding frenzy.

Aug. 24: Police reported a “package delivered in hand.” No word if someone out there is now missing a hand.

Aug. 24: A Lyndon Street caller reported a man selling soap door to door. Reportedly, he was clean as a whistle.

Sept. 26: A man on Wood Street complained that someone damaged “his shrubbery.” No word if it was the Knights who say “Ni!”

Nov. 9: Police got a call about a large group of turkeys fighting with a cat on Stuart Street. The animal control officer showed up and found the cat uninjured. he also dispersed the turkeys.

Nov. 24: Think your commute is rough? One Metacom Avenue man’s was rougher Tuesday morning. The man got in his car at 7 a.m., turned the key, hit the cad and promptly clunked to a stop after all four tires fell off the car. Someone had removed all of the lug nuts.