There is a commercial where a woman runs out to her snow-covered yard on Christmas morning to find a new car wrapped in a huge red bow and another one where the shaking box under the tree holds the cutest puppy ever. These are just some of the images that flood our televisions and social media feeds starting the day after Halloween…. and so it begins. They portray the sense that holidays should come with breathtaking gifts, all the family recipes cooked to perfection, and a house full of laughter and cheer. But what to do if the approaching holidays will be bringing with them the reminder of a loved one who has recently died or maybe the loss of all those we have shared holidays with over the years? It is tricky. Traditions that once highlighted a sense of family and belonging may feel empty and amplify a sense of loss and grief.

Some of the emotional and physical symptoms related to acute grief can include fatigue, decreased appetite, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, and lack of motivation. All of these can impact the ability to socialize and/or manage a holiday to-do list. Putting keepsake ornaments on the tree or sending out cards may just not be possible. Holiday music could feel comforting or simply evoke sadness. It is hard to know what can trigger a wave of emotion, but that is normal. Let it come.

Consider Some Changes

Are there unspoken expectations that the holiday gatherings will continue unchanged? The time to consider your own feelings, stamina, and plans is before the holiday season kicks off. Give yourself permission to think about the people, places, and activities that you enjoy and want to include and those you do not. Would a smaller group of people be easier, a simple brunch rather than a 20 lb. turkey, or a gift-free holiday? It could be a minor change or, especially with a recent loss, you may opt out of a family celebration altogether. With enough time, other family members and friends can adapt their plans or work with you to consider alternatives. However, try not to isolate yourself. Allow for opportunities to receive love and support from others and to offer them as well. It may be that everyone in the family is grieving the loss. Being respectful and honest about the unique ways that each of us grieve is important when navigating this territory. Some family members may prefer to be constantly distracted and surrounded by people while others may feel achingly alone in a crowd. You are the expert, however, when it comes to your grief and your inner voice and physical health should be your guide.

Coping Strategies

Acknowledge ahead of time that the holidays are not going to be the same. It follows on the Greek philosopher’s quote that “the only thing constant in life is change.” How you adapt to that reality has an impact on grief. Although they are gone, how can you still find ways to incorporate the memory of your loved one into the present? The ritual of lighting a memorial candle during the holidays can be a gentle reminder of their continued presence. Prepare and include their favorite dish or dessert. Start the meal with a prayer or a toast that honors them. Share a story. Share lots of stories.

If some of the old traditions just do not fit anymore, start a new one. Who is going to carve the turkey now? Maybe make a special point of passing the honor on to the oldest child or grandchild. If there are new members of the family with different cultural or ethnic backgrounds, invite them do the cooking and incorporate their foods and customs. Maybe the trip to cut down the Christmas tree is no longer possible, but an evergreen wreath, garlands or poinsettias could be easier substitutes. In other words, traditions can get a hold on us and become sacrosanct. It is ok to be flexible and make changes. Life will go on.

Practice self-care, gratitude

Self-care while grieving is important and maybe more so during the holidays. The cold weather keeps us inside and the emphasis is on food. Getting outside in nature and exercising are ways to de-stress and refuel. Sleep disturbances are common with a recent loss and exercise can help with that. Reaching outward to help others through a food bank, meal delivery or donations can improve mood, offer purpose and decrease a sense of isolation. Finding the right balance between “doing” and “being” is the goal.

Practicing a sense of gratitude or glass-half-full view of the world may take some effort, however, it is powerful. It can reduce negative thoughts, stress, and anxiety. Through empathy and connection with others, gratitude can strengthen relationships. Being thankful for all the memories and times shared can help to mitigate the corresponding and painful sense of loss. Find a safe space to talk about it all. Is there someone with whom you can openly share your feelings? There are online resources, support groups and websites as well. David Kessler, the author of several books on grief, put together a short video about grief over the holidays. https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/holiday-grief-video. In addition, opentohope.com and caringinfo.org discuss this topic.

Despite the challenges that the holidays may present to someone who is grieving, they can also offer opportunities to feel and stay connected to those around you. Plan ahead to create new and meaningful experiences. Consider a ritual that would honor your loved one and incorporate them into family meals and gatherings. Allow yourself to step away from responsibilities and activities that are outside of your comfort zone or require energy you do not have. Focus on the little things like a warm fire with a cup of tea, a hug, or a good night’s sleep…..one step at a time.

Bonnie Evans, RN, MS, GNP-BC, lives in Bristol and is a geriatric nurse practitioner, End of Life Doula, and certified grief counselor. She can be reached at bonnie@bonnieevansdoula.com.