To the editor:

How often do we face the necessity of an important change in our lives, whether we are ready or not? Sometimes immediate action is needed, and at other times, we can give the situation serious thought before acting.

In my case, it was a series of events that changed my living arrangements. My husband of 38 years passed away. Two years later, I moved to New Hampshire, a dream I’d had since childhood. In my 70s, I lived independently until, slowly, my memory started failing. I was 82 years old when I was no longer able to drive. I would never again hear the sound of my car door closing, feel a steering wheel in my grasp, or turn onto a country road that I wanted to explore.

Anyone who had had to face this reality knows that is a debilitating change in your life. It was increasingly difficult to find the help I needed to shop, clean and do laundry. I grew very lonely, and I couldn’t shake it.

My daughter became aware of my struggles. Thank God for relatives who care for your welfare during your elder years. It fell to my only child to research facilities, interview the directors, then fill out lengthy applications for the ones that impressed her. The wait list was three to five years. An assisted living facility in the town next to hers in Rhode Island called to shorten that wait to eight months. Then she began the difficult process of convincing me to give up my lifelong dream of living and dying in New Hampshire. The decisive factor was realizing, if I moved there, I would have the chance to know my daughter better and share our lives more intimately.

I am fortunate to be living in this facility. My daughter comes to see me whenever she can. My laundry and cleaning are done for me. Living here provides me with friendship, medical help, nourishment, and cleanliness. It has lessened my sense of isolation and loneliness. The staff is professional and caring. There are a variety of activities and scheduled outings. The grounds are well-kept and the holiday decorations are exceptional.

On the other hand, assisted living is definitely a step down from our previous general functioning. There is a dining room that serves three meals a day that assures my daughter that I am well-nourished, but they are served at scheduled times and our independence is secondary in a regulatory existence. There is a ride service for medical appointments and the ability to take other round trips, but we have to be in the lobby one hour before departure. If the ride is too late and we miss our appointment, we may be charged a missed-appointment fee. When we call for the return trip after our appointment is over, it can take three hours to finally arrive back at the facility. There are rules and regulations that you might not like, but must adhere to. This facility does hold meetings where residents and staff can voice their opinions and offer suggestions about how things can be improved.

Perhaps even more challenging is that your child sometimes takes on the role of parent. It is hard to not feel sad and somewhat resentful of this. Yet, it must be just as hard for our children to take on the added responsibility of guiding an elderly parent to help plan the future, and still have the energy to solve their own problems and live their own lives.

No matter where you are living, there are going to be negatives. But why dwell on them? A positive attitude equals health, and there is no doubt about it. Isn’t it true that challenging decisions often have multiple perspectives to consider? For me, prayer offers the most reliable pathway to clarity. On Thursday, April 18, at 10:00 a.m., God said to me, “Remember, you have one more transition to make, and that is from this life on Earth to your next exciting adventure.” He always surprises me.

There is a stage in life that demands acceptance of what used to be unacceptable. We can change to meet those challenges and “keep on keepin’ on”, or we can dig in our heels and become sourpusses. We all must remember that the younger generation has no idea what they are facing in “old age”, if they are lucky enough to get there.

Life continues to give us challenges, doesn’t it, and they don’t seem to get any easier as we age. I find the best answer, in the light of our journey, is to make gratitude your best friend. What are you grateful for, this very moment? Write it down!

Susan Goodnough
East Providence