To the editor:

Come celebrate Juneteenth 202X in Bristol, Rhode Island, a little white town with big black history!

Forget the Fourth of July Parade. Rain, shine or lockdown, get your steps in on Hope Street, where you can trample the red, white and blue underfoot on the BLM Power Walk. While you’re catching your breath, explore Bristol’s quaint downtown—preserved by the Historic District Commission as a grim reminder of coerced slave labor—and make sure you get your picture taken under the Brigidi Obelisk to Perpetual Guilt.
Wilting tall on an eight-foot pedestal, it’s the first international beacon of self-condemnation on the east coast designed to survive projected rising sea levels. Remember to leave a donation in the coin-slit and put your ill-gotten colonizer capital toward a worthy, BLM-approved cause. This year’s donations will go to the Patrisse Cullors Mansion Defense Fund.

Then it’s time to tighten your manacles and join a live slave ship embarkation reenactment, aboard the “hull” of the former Robin Rug! Experience the dread and claustrophobia of being packed in tightly amid a crowd of white liberals. Toss and turn on the seas of your one-note imagination as Descendant Voices in Action Director Isaac Gilliard narrates your passage to drinking water, food stamps, affirmative action and other New World horrors. (Note co-directors of the DVA are barring admission to the obstreperous few.)

Next, give yourself a break from rereading “White Fragility” and shop alongside local educators at the Moonbat Book Fair on the Town Common, featuring content promoted on the MPCPMP website, including the 1619 curriculum, classic authors like Howard Zinn and Ibram Kendi, and hot YA titles like “We Can’t Breathe: On Black Lives, White Lies, and the Art of Survival.”

Craving an earful? Endure “Wokelahoma!” at Reynolds School Auditorium or stop by the Courthouse for the "Teachable Moments" public condescension series; presenters include ACLU Rhode Island on how keeping disruptive punks in class boosts test scores, and the Eastern Carolina Foundation for Equity and Equality on why the enslavement of blacks by other blacks—before European contact—is a product of retroactive white supremacy.

And sit tight because the Mike Proto Scholarship winner will be announced afterwards! Open to unworldly collegebound hicks benighted between the Mt. Hope Bridge and the Warren town line, this generous grant of five social credit points is awarded for excellence in overcoming smalltown provincialism through location-specific, shame-based education.

Finally, after a quiet guilt-trip along the scenic revamped East Bay Bike Path (a prospective reef sanctuary), try your luck at Colt Park and play Pin the Pockmark on the Property. Perhaps you’ll decide where Bristol’s next grievance needle will go. One more is never enough.

As resident Tinka Perry wrote, “the Civil War by no means paid the debt for slavery [...] nothing ever has.” And nothing ever will.

Zachary Cooper
48A Sherman Ave.